Sunday, November 15, 2009


It's a weird world that we live in. It's almost like life offers you something that you never imagined that you would get but at the same time takes away that exact same thing that was promised.
It's like going to bed the night before with a life filled with hopes, dreams and goals and waking up the next morning with all that shattered and destroyed and left alone.
I never really did understand the true meaning of "Innocent Criminal" - i mean if you are a criminal, how could you be innocent right. But life has it's way of showing the exact meaning.
Sometimes, we all live in our past. Not because we can't let go but because the past makes you a better person moving into the future. The past plays a big role in who you are today. The past is the past which is why we call it History. I can never understand the obsession with the past that some people just can't seem to shake off.
Just like everyone else, I have my past which has made me who I am today. I haven't got a rosy past but at least it's true and honest.
I've been hurt before - hurt so bad that at one point, I decided that it's better to be alone and live a single life because at least that way, you save yourself from being hurt emotionally. I thought that I would never be worthy enough for anything or anyone. But when I did believe that I had a purpose in life, it was all taken away from me so quickly that I doubt a recovery is possible.
It feels like someone took a knife and ran it through my heart repeatedly. It hurts so much and I just want it to go away.
My life will be different. A difference that I don't want. I'm trying all I can and am giving it all I've got but it seems to be hard to crack.
What did I do? To think of it now - nothing really. But I don't blame the other side - their past is what they are today and unless they work to overcome it, there is very little one can do to penetrate through.
But still, I feel the need to pursue - pursue as hard as I can and only stop when the end of the road is a cliff that I will jump off - not literally but in the context where, giving up means, moving past this and never getting into another relationship ever in my life. Going back to living a lonely life, not hurting anyone, not getting hurt and when I die, at least I don't leave behind sadness to others.
When I do think about the whole episode, to think that a picture is what it took to ruin everything - a picture where my existence was nil. A picture where my entire future came crashing down. A PICTURE! A DAMM FREAKING PICTURE! Something must be really wrong here.
I've been told so many things by those who I seek confort from lately:
- not your loss
- not worth it
- grow up
- is that person stupid
- person doesn't know what he/she is loosing
- that person needs to live in the present and not the past
But despite all this, there is a strong urge to see if the future is really what I hoped and dreamt it would be.
Life - truly unexpected. Truly honest. Truly comforting with discomfort. Truly true, brutal and hurtful.
Life - where death has no match.

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