Sunday, November 29, 2009

Moving On - The Scar Shall Remain

I think the hardest part in life is "letting go"! Whether its about letting go of something or someone - it's always the hardest part. I've had my share of letting go - some not by choice and some because it was the right thing to do. Funny part of letting go when it's the right thing to do is that, at least at that point, people were not completely hurt because reality kicks in and you know that to hurt now is better than to hurt deeper later.
The hardest part comes when the hurt is thrown at you at a level where breathing becomes difficult. See, in my entire life, I've lived a life where the line between a dream and reality was very clearly defined. I've always played by the rules and never did live life on the edge. Every choice that I made were safe and well calculated. I guess for me it was more security than anything else. Knowing exactly what tomorrow has in store keeps me secured. That's just me. Even when it came to love, I have been safe because I know my threshold of emotional torture. But somehow I keep getting into emotional mess. It's as though life has a radar on me to constantly mess me up when I least expect it.
I was judged too quickly! Rather, I was judged so quickly that Flash Gordan seemed slow. I thought that I've had the worse hurt in my life when I got cheated on before but this tops the chart. I was given the whole dialogue of how this isn't my fault and that I deserve better and that I should go out there and find that person that deserves me. I mean - who says these things anymore?
Gut feeling - that is another element - I know people say go with your gut feeling and you will never go wrong. Haha!! What about when it failed you twice and still you listen to it?? Stupidity or ignorance? Leave it up to you to decide.
Maybe my friends were right - there is someone else in the picture. Someone better, more successful and better looking - after all, I'm just a regular Joe - been one all along right. At least have the courage to stand up to it.
The scar shall remain. I got the closure I needed. "I know for a fact that our paths will never cross again" - clear enough for even a fool to understand. I mean, how can someone say that "We compliment each other, make a good partnership, never really did fight or argue" and yet still say that they don't have a connection? Again, what planet is this happening on? It's definitely not earth coz I would like to think that we on earth have a heart and brain to compliment what the heart says.
I don't know how else to make someone understand that self-made sacrifices are not something that you were forced to do - which part of "self-made" wasn't clear.
I don't know how to make someone understand that the past is something you cherish and take it as a life lesson to only make the future better.
I don't know how to make someone understand that the past is the past and that there is a reason why people from your past don't make it to your future.
I've given up trying to make people understand. At this point, all I feel is that I haven't lost much. Really, think about it - you really can't loose something that you never really did have to start with right! It's their loss!
Your life could have been different! Your life could have been better! You would have finally had something honest in your life! Something true! Something magical! Something faithful! SOMETHING THAT DOESN"T CHEAT ON YOUR THROUGHOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP!!!
I guess having something meaningful in your life isn't something you need. I guess some people prefer to be in a relationship where lying, cheating and deception is part of their life. Their choice but that's not how I operate.
I actually feel sorry for them. I hope they wake up for their sake and not be selfish and think about the people around them and how much hurt they bring to them.
You know what they say about people who don't appreciate a good thing in life - that they will end up in something that they think is perfect for them but only to find out that depression and getting emotionally hurt is part of their life now and there is nothing they can do about it. I seriously hope that you wake up!
Good Luck - Good Night!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


I sum up this whole thing under one umbrella:


Ladies & gentleman - thank you for making me feel good. This is one experience I never want to have repeated again - EVER!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Pull The Brakes

It was a regular day yesterday - it certainly was. Started at 8am and ended unexpectedly at 6pm. Not that it was intentionally done but it just happened. The phrase - "When It Rain It Pours" - fitted me so well yesterday. The well prepared presentation went absolutely the opposite direction, the well planned visits become a complete disaster, the well paved path to success suddenly become a rally course with road-blocks and to top it all, when I turned for comfort, it was a hard fall as there was no one to catch.
What takes the top spot it loneliness right now. It's true what people say about the world and life - you never know what you got until you loose it. You never know how good you had it until you dont anymore.
I think it's time to quit - drop it all, take a hike, long walk down a short alley, away from life, in full denial and just get lost anywhere. Is this all worth the effort?
The pain in my feet is back and it's killing me but not as bad as my other friend-darkness. The piercing pain in the chest has now been recently promoted from an acquaintance to possibly my best friend. The professionals told me that it's worrying and that it's all in my head. Is it stress related or lifestyle related - I doubt it's neither. Nothing much to stress about at work. Lifestyle isn't all that exciting anymore since I've decided space myself away from a high octane lifestyle. Whatever the reason may be, it's on the radar that's headed for destruction.
I've yet got another best friend and this one's gonna stick around for awhile - pills pills and more pills.
Could it be all in my head. I start wondering as I lie alone on my couch thinking what I've become. Again, the professionals have me on high dosage's of everything. Work is out of the question for some time now. Socializing is not something I fancy right now. Those who were close to me - were close to me. Those who never did care - never did care. Those who want to be there - I don't want that.
Suddenly, I've found a best friend - meet Mr.Loneliness. They say best friends don't mask reality. They hurt you, be honest with you, tell you how it is and they certainly don't give a craps ass on short term relief. I think he'll stick around for awhile. Not that I want him to, but it's not by choice.
The piercings get worse. At times, I just rather the professionals stick a needle in me and make the pain go away but for now, this pain isn't all that bad considering my recent rendezvous with depression.
I guess I'll stick around for a bit more. It's human to hope, human to dream and it's human to hurt. I'm just human.

Concentrate On This Sentence

I've become very poetic lately and this is probably one of the best I've ever read. It's dedicated to those whom deserve it - you know who you are and this is especially for you!

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.. Concentrate on this sentence... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.' Something good will happen to you today; something that you have been waiting to hear.

There comes a point in your life when you realise:

Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won't anymore...
And who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Just Be There

People react in a certain manner due to a reason. The reason may not be evident or noticeable but it's there somewhere. No one does something without a reason. The reason could be anything really.
No one that I know would be heartless enough to hurt someone for no reason. I don't deny that there are people who are just born evil and every bone in them spells out terror but most normal human beings with a heart and conscience, will react and behave for a valid reason.
Recently, I've had the chance to personally experience this. It has not been easy and still isn't easy but I've learned something valueable about this person through this. It has also made me a better person.
When a particular person that you really care for, goes through something like this in life, and it affects you, the only thing you can do if the person doesn't want you anymore, is to sit by the sidelines and just wait. Be there for them when they need you the most. If it's truly meant to be - it will be.
It's not a license to fool around - it's time to re-look at things and what they mean to you.
Just Be There - with an open heart and mind and arms! I know I will and am!

Monday, November 16, 2009

A Lesson Well Learned

The past 2 weeks, I learned a very valuable lesson in life. It's a lesson that one would rather not go through but it's just unavoidable. This lesson - I have made it the word of the year for me as it is very significant to what my life has become. The word ladies and gentleman, isn't something alien or new but rather, has been pushed aside by so many that the importance of it is lost. TRUST! That's my word for the year. This is what I learned about TRUST and what I think it's all about:

1. Letting others know your feelings, emotions and reactions, and having the confidence in them to respect you and to not take advantage of you.

2. Sharing your inner feelings and thoughts with others with the belief that they will not spread them indiscriminately.

3. Placing confidence in others so that they will be supportive and reinforcing of you, even if you let down your mask and show your weaknesses.

4. Assuming that others will not intentionally hurt or abuse you if you should make an error or a mistake.
The inner sense of acceptance you have of others with whom you are able to share secrets, knowing they are safe.

5. The sense that things are fine; that nothing can disrupt the bond between you and the other.

6. The ability to let others into your life so that you and they can create a relationship built on an understanding of mutual respect, caring and concern to assist one another in growing and maturing independently.

7. The glue or cement of relationships that allows you to need others to fulfill yourself.

8. Opening yourself up to let others in on your background, problems, concerns and mistakes with the assurance that they will not ostracize you because of these things.

9. The act of placing yourself in the vulnerable position of relying on others to treat you in a fair, open and honest way.

I'm sure that I'm pretty close to the truth of trust. The question arises again - "So what did I do?"
I've lived a life where risks are part of it because, the biggest risk in life is taking no risk at all.
I don't live in my past but rather, leverage on my past to make the future better.
I've realised my faults from my past and pledged to never make them again in the future.
I've had my guard up before for fear of being hurt but only to realise that a well guarded person leads a lonely life inside. You end up guarding yourself only to hurt yourself in the long run.
Trust is important - very important but it cannot be built overnight. It takes time. But the essence is to give yourself the chance to live life and believe in something.
Trust in GOD! Trust in us! More importantly, trust the one's you love coz they are the only one's would will love you unconditionally!

Sunday, November 15, 2009


It's a weird world that we live in. It's almost like life offers you something that you never imagined that you would get but at the same time takes away that exact same thing that was promised.
It's like going to bed the night before with a life filled with hopes, dreams and goals and waking up the next morning with all that shattered and destroyed and left alone.
I never really did understand the true meaning of "Innocent Criminal" - i mean if you are a criminal, how could you be innocent right. But life has it's way of showing the exact meaning.
Sometimes, we all live in our past. Not because we can't let go but because the past makes you a better person moving into the future. The past plays a big role in who you are today. The past is the past which is why we call it History. I can never understand the obsession with the past that some people just can't seem to shake off.
Just like everyone else, I have my past which has made me who I am today. I haven't got a rosy past but at least it's true and honest.
I've been hurt before - hurt so bad that at one point, I decided that it's better to be alone and live a single life because at least that way, you save yourself from being hurt emotionally. I thought that I would never be worthy enough for anything or anyone. But when I did believe that I had a purpose in life, it was all taken away from me so quickly that I doubt a recovery is possible.
It feels like someone took a knife and ran it through my heart repeatedly. It hurts so much and I just want it to go away.
My life will be different. A difference that I don't want. I'm trying all I can and am giving it all I've got but it seems to be hard to crack.
What did I do? To think of it now - nothing really. But I don't blame the other side - their past is what they are today and unless they work to overcome it, there is very little one can do to penetrate through.
But still, I feel the need to pursue - pursue as hard as I can and only stop when the end of the road is a cliff that I will jump off - not literally but in the context where, giving up means, moving past this and never getting into another relationship ever in my life. Going back to living a lonely life, not hurting anyone, not getting hurt and when I die, at least I don't leave behind sadness to others.
When I do think about the whole episode, to think that a picture is what it took to ruin everything - a picture where my existence was nil. A picture where my entire future came crashing down. A PICTURE! A DAMM FREAKING PICTURE! Something must be really wrong here.
I've been told so many things by those who I seek confort from lately:
- not your loss
- not worth it
- grow up
- is that person stupid
- person doesn't know what he/she is loosing
- that person needs to live in the present and not the past
But despite all this, there is a strong urge to see if the future is really what I hoped and dreamt it would be.
Life - truly unexpected. Truly honest. Truly comforting with discomfort. Truly true, brutal and hurtful.
Life - where death has no match.